Richard [refuting all of Isaac’s efforts to deny the tale of his brother Ralph who was eaten by a giant lobster]: “You can’t out-story me.”

Isaac: “I’ll hit you with a hammer.”

Richard [stunned pause]

Isaac: “The End.”


Isaac [getting ready to bury Zoom, his parakeet]:  “Hey, I’ve got an idea, lets hook a kite to the bolts in his neck and fly it during a storm.”

Richard: “That only works in movies.”
Isaac: “Really?  That’s boring.”


Isaac [to his brother Matt]:  “My dad would like being a dog, because he already watches movies in black-and-white.  But then he would be allergic to himself.”

It’s Your Fault I’m Not on Fire!

Richard [to Isaac who is finding reasons to be sad at bedtime]: “Why are you sad? You and I are the only ones who didn’t catch on fire today.”*

Isaac [forcing the tears]: “It’s your fault! I wanted to get close to the fire and you wouldn’t let me!!  You’re mean.”

*Paige set her hair on fire with birthday candles; Ben burned the hair off his arm while grilling.

Who’s Dead?

When Richard has a stroke, you will know why.

Paige: "Alan Alda died."
Richard [checking wikipedia]: "No, he’s alive."
Paige: "Well, then who died?"
Richard [apoplectic]: ‘What?!! How can I answer that? Everyone dies!"
Isaac [grinning like a devil]: "Who died?"