Hammer

Richard [refuting all of Isaac’s efforts to deny the tale of his brother Ralph who was eaten by a giant lobster]: “You can’t out-story me.”

Isaac: “I’ll hit you with a hammer.”

Richard [stunned pause]

Isaac: “The End.”

It’s Your Fault I’m Not on Fire!

Richard [to Isaac who is finding reasons to be sad at bedtime]: “Why are you sad? You and I are the only ones who didn’t catch on fire today.”*

Isaac [forcing the tears]: “It’s your fault! I wanted to get close to the fire and you wouldn’t let me!!  You’re mean.”

*Paige set her hair on fire with birthday candles; Ben burned the hair off his arm while grilling.

Who’s Dead?

When Richard has a stroke, you will know why.

Paige: "Alan Alda died."
Richard [checking wikipedia]: "No, he’s alive."
Paige: "Well, then who died?"
Richard [apoplectic]: ‘What?!! How can I answer that? Everyone dies!"
Isaac [grinning like a devil]: "Who died?"